How do I live
by Cindy aka SG1PhileShipper
Summary: Set right after "Las Brisas"


HOW DO I LIVE   
  
By: Cindy   
Disclaimer: The profiler gang is not my property. They belong to Cynthia Sanders Sanders/Moses Production, NBC and I think Kroonish. No infringement is intended. If you hadn't shot Bailey, I wouldn't have stolen your characters. I'm just using them without permission and I promise to return them as soon as I'm finished. No need to sue me. You wouldn't get a dollar out of me, I don't have any dollars. All I have is foreign currency and mine is worthless. The song "How do I live" belongs to LeAnn Rimes and was written by the best love songwriter in the world Diane Warren. No infringement is intended either.   
Spoilers: Las Brisas.   
Category: I would say lots of angst, some story and a little SBR. Sorry, I'm way too romantic. This is told from Sam's POV.   
Rating: I have no idea about that. I'll just give it a PG13.   
Author's Note: I haven't seen "Las Brisas" yet and I will probably see it in a couple of months. I'm writing this from what I have heard.   
Dedication: This one's for Enni, who told me everything that happened to Bailey. Although I don't know Debbie, this one's for her too. Thanks for telling everything to Enni, so she could run and tell me. This is for you ladies.   
And now all we've been waiting for. The Story...   
  
  
'HOW DO I LIVE'   
  
I am standing face to face with my lifetime enemy and I'm calling for Bailey. And then Jack tells me I don't need him anymore, I fear the worst. Jack is inhuman and capable of all the things in the world. He would hurt all the people I love just so he could have me. As if that killing everyone I love would bring me closer to him. Yeah right, wishful thinking of a man I wish was death. And I thought he would be death soon. After we caught Lucas, I thought Jack was out of my life. How wrong could I have been? I should have known Jack was way too smart for us to catch him. How could I have been so stupid to think that it was all over when Lucas got the death sentence? It isn't over, it's just beginning. Jack's game was just a game until I was standing face to face with him. Now I realize that Jack has become my life. Whatever I do, he won't go away.   
  
I am crying silent tears, wishing for Bailey to come in and shoot this bastard. How I would love to watch this creep die. He has taken so much of my life until now and I don't want him to take anything else. I have to face that and pay it with my own life if I have too. But I know Jack would never kill me. He'll never hurt my physically, just emotionally by taking away everyone I love. So maybe that is my change. What if I walked out of here? Would he try to shoot me? And I know I have to try because it is my only chance. I have to risk my life to try and save it. I never knew how close life and death were until that creep came into my life. I have turned my life around because of him and I think that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to take him into my life. And that's exactly what I did. Big mistake, very big mistake. I should have ignored him, just like all the other serial killers. Whether I ignored him or not, that wouldn't change a thing. He would still take all those I love. So I made a decision here and now. I would walk out of that cabin and leave him. Alone with his fears of loosing me to someone else.  
  
I turn to face Jack and he is smiling at me. I don't know what happened to Bailey, but I can feel something is wrong. And for the first time in my life I face my fears and confront Jack:   
  
"What did you do to him, you bastard?"   
"That's not a nice way of speaking to me, Sam. You should be more respectful. I got all those wrong guys out of your life."   
"Wrong guys? Do you think you're better than any of them?"   
"Sam, Sam, Sam. They can't offer you a millionth from what I can offer you. I have so much more to give than any of them."  
"You couldn't compete with them in your wildest dream. You're just an image of them and a shadow of the man you'd like to be. You're nothing. You don't mean a thing to me and you never will. Not in this lifetime and not in any other lifetime. You're done Jack. Your life ends right here, right now."   
"Oh yes, you think it does? Do I have to remind you who is holding the gun and calling the shots here?"   
"Yes, I know you are feeling strong because I am armed and you are not. It only proves how weak you are."   
  
Jack's face was turning white now. I knew this was my chance. He couldn't stand feeling weak in front of me and I would use that opportunity to get him out of my life. The game had to end right here and now:   
  
"I'm not weak Sam. I'm the strongest guy you'll ever know."   
"You think you are strong? Well let me tell you this: You are nothing. You're not even as strong as a child. You're a fantasy Jack. A useless, cruel image that belongs in the trash. As far as I'm concerned, *you are trash*. And let me tell me this. You're not even worth it of getting my attention."   
  
I was taking big chances here. I was making Jack feeling unwanted, unneeded by me. But I knew it was my only chance of getting out of here. If I could get him mad, he would blame himself. Although that's what I thought from my profile. I was just hoping my profiler was right and that I wasn't wrong about Jack. I acted stronger than I really felt. I had to, because I was in this alone. I was scared to death about what he had done to Bailey. *Oh my god, Bailey. This is my entire fault, Bailey. If I hadn't felt the need to rest after the trial, you wouldn't have driven me here. If you hadn't driven me here, nothing of this would have happened. *   
  
As I repeated these words in my head, I realized I was wrong. Jack would have found me, even if I had stayed home. I had just offered him a better opportunity here. I had to get out of here. I had to go and see Bailey. I wanted to get Jack out of my life. I needed a new start again, far away from all this and far away from Jack. I resumed the last years of my life around him. But that was over and done with now. I had had it. Jack had to go and I would take care of that myself. He had killed Tom, he had killed Coop and he had killed... Oh my god, Bailey. I hope he hadn't killed him. If Bailey would go, I would be done. Without him, there was no way for me of going on. He was the last person I wanted to lose. And that only proved that friendship was the purest and strongest feeling in the world. And I wouldn't let Jack take that away from me. He had taken love from me twice, but I wouldn't let him have all I cared about now. He couldn't take away what was most valuable to me. And by playing is game, I had asked him to do so. But there was no way that would go on. The game was over and it was time for serious people now. So I turned around and walked past Jack. He held my arm:   
  
"Where do you think you're going, Sam?"   
"I'm leaving. And if you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me."   
"You're not going anywhere."   
"Well watch me turn around and walk."   
"Sam... Don't forget about your friend out there."   
"For all I know he might be death already. So get that ass of yours out of my way and let me go."   
  
  
Jack held on to my arm and I think if eyes could kill, mine could do so right now. He waved his gun in the air and smiled at me. I hated that man. I hated him more than anything. I never thought that feeling hate could make you so strong. And at this moment, I felt the strongest person on earth. Maybe it was the fact of facing your own immortality or the fact that I was about to cry over my best friend, I don't know. And what I did next, I had only dreamed about doing that. I poked my finger in his chest and looked him in the eyes:   
  
"Listen to me you bastard! You're time is over. You've had your fifteen minutes of fame. But now it's time to move aside and let the serious people do the talking. You're game is over Jack. And when I say it is over, trust me that it is."  
  
And then I shoved him aside, hard. He was stunned, standing there speechless like a statue. I walked out of the door. Jack came behind me and held me. I pinned him with my eyes and he let me go. I had scared him big time, I knew that. He always held me for the nice little princess. The perfect woman, who would never do anything wrong. Jack was walking behind me and I knew he could shoot any minute now. But somehow I didn't care. I was on autopilot here, guided by pure adrenaline. I reached the car and saw Bailey lying on the floor, his shirt covered in blood. I kneeled down next to him and checked his pulse. I could feel it, but it was so weak. I knew if I didn't get him to hospital soon, he would die. And even if I got him there in a couple of minutes I wasn't sure if he would survive this. Jack had shot him from behind and probably punctured a long. I opened the door and with all the strength I had I got Bailey in the car. And then my hand touched his gun and I realized this could be my chance to get Jack once and for good.   
  
Jack was still standing a few feet away from me and I carefully took Bailey's gun out of his holster. I turned around and fired twice. Jack's eyes were turning wide and before he could fire his own gun, he collapsed to the floor. I had hit him in the chest and I knew he would probably bleed to death. I felt much better and walked to the car again. I heard Jack's soft whispers:   
"That's not how it was supposed to end Sam. Why did you hurt me? The game is not over yet."  
  
And then I screamed from the top of my lungs:   
  
  
"The game ends right here and right now!"   
I got in the car, started it and took off with screaming tires. I was still running on auto and all I could think of right now, was to get Bailey to a hospital. He needed medical care more than anything right now. I hadn't even checked if Jack was death or not. I didn't care about that right now. I drove towards the highway at high speed and turned of the intersection at the nearest hospital. I drove into the ambulances only entry and as soon as I came there, paramedics came up to me. I told them what happened and they got a stretcher. Bailey lifeless body was put on it and they took him to ER. And from then on everything went black in my head.  
  
When I woke up later, I was lying in a hospital bed, feeling dizzy and disoriented. I couldn't remember what happened and how I did end up in a bed. A nurse came in and told me I had fainted after bringing my friend in. I asked her how Bailey was doing and she shook her head and told me she would get the doctor.  
  
I was facing the window and looking outside. It was dark and the moon was so beautiful. I wished at that moment I was the moon and would be able to control the rest of the world. When I heard someone knocking on my door, I thought it was the doctor telling me something had happened to Bailey. I turned around and John came in:   
  
"How are you doing Sam?"   
"Jack..."   
"We got Jack, Sam. He will die soon."   
"You don't understand John. Lucas is not the real Jack. I just escaped him, after he shot Bailey."   
"I know about Bailey."   
"John, you have to go up to the cabin and catch him. I shot him in the chest and when I left him, he was bleeding. You have to get him, John."   
"We're on our way, Sam."   
  
John stormed out of the room and ran to the rest of the police. I stared out of the window again and was saying silent prayers for Bailey. If I had one wish now, it would be for him to get better. Not for Tom to be alive again, or for getting a normal life back. All I wanted right now was Bailey. I needed his comforting and warm touch. I needed to feel his arms around me. The only thing I wanted now, the only thing I needed was Bailey Malone. And I prayed to the angels they would help me.   
  
*Please don't leave me alone, Bailey. I need you. I need you more than you'll ever know. You are all I have left and I don't want you to go. Bailey, you're my best friend and I couldn't stand loosing you. You mean so much to me, it hurts to know that maybe I'll never see you again. I need to feel your arms around me; I need to feel your warmth and your strength. I want you to hold me and never let me go again. Hold on to me Bailey, like I would hold on to you. I just can't stand loosing you. I love you*.   
  
Wait a minute where did that come from? I love him? Funny how things like that have to happen for one to realize how she feels.   
  
I wasn't shocked of finding out that I loved Bailey. He was my friend and as friends you love each other. It was just funny because I never allowed myself to say aloud that I loved him. Well, I didn't say it aloud, but I knew it now. I guess I have always known I loved Bailey, but never how much I needed him until now. And maybe I was too scared to admit it. Not because he wouldn't feel the same - I know Bailey loves me too - but because I would be too scared to loosing him. Like what is happening now. I feel him slipping away from and there is nothing I can do. I want to help him. I need to help him, but it's so frustrating to feel helpless. And not knowing how Bailey was doing was making me feel so useless and unhelpful. If only someone would come in and tell me how Bailey was doing. And if I could ask for one more thing, I wish I wouldn't hear the word dead.   
  
I am lying in this lonely hospital bed and I am crying. I am crying for what happened, for everything that Jack took, but mostly of all I am crying because I feel so useless. I am crying because Bailey has done so much for and I can't help him here. All I can do is think of him and hope he will get my strength. I can also wish and pray. I can scream and cry. I can recall everything he did for me. I can tell myself that it is my entire fault. I can say that I feel like him letting him down here. I can get out of my bed and walk again. I can go out and go on with my life. But what I can't do is what I would like to do most. I can't make him better. As much as I want to my damn science and everything I learned from him can't make him better. I can do so many things, but I can't do what I wish for. And that is to trade places with Bailey. Because yes, I would give up my own life if that meant saving his.   
  
I am sobbing beyond control now, as I watch through clouded eyes Grace comes in. She sits down on the side of my bed and takes me in her arms. She lets me cry softly and I am thankful for that. After what seems to be an eternity, I get out of her touch and look at her. She knows what I am going to ask her. She starts speaking softly, as if talking to a child:   
  
"He came out of surgery a few minutes ago. The operation was successful. He had a punctured long, but they were able to fix it. If they can keep him calm for the next hours he would make it. The only problem is that he lost a lot of blood and that he is giving up the fight. He's too weak to fight. He has to find his strength somewhere, but the doctors are not sure where he will find it."  
"Can I go and see him?"   
"I'll ask the doctors."   
"Thanks Grace."  
  
As Grace got out of my room, John came back in. He had a worried look on his face. And I knew Jack got away again. I only wished I knew how. He was bleeding badly when I left him. How was the guy doing it to escape us every time? I was so sick of this. But somehow I knew that everything would be just fine:  
  
"I'm sorry, Sam. I don't know how he did it, but he got away."   
"Never mind John. There are people out there meant to threaten you for the rest of your life."   
  
At that moment Grace came in with a wheelchair and smiled at me. It was obvious she had had a fight with the doctors so I could go and see Bailey. John kissed my hand and helped me in the wheelchair. Grace steered it to the ER and we walked up to Bailey. She left me next to him and said she would leave us alone.   
  
I took Bailey's hand in mine and kissed it tenderly. I could feel how weak his hand was and I silently hoped he would feel how much I needed him. A doctor walked in and smiled at me. He kneeled down next to me:  
  
"You may speak to him if you want. He seems to be far away, but he can hear you. It may do him good to hear a familiar voice and give him the strength he needs so much."   
I smiled at the doctor and knew he was most likely right. I had to talk to Bailey. For all I knew it might be my only chance to let him know what he meant to me. And he meant more to me than I would be able to express. He was my lifeline:   
"I know you can hear me and you have to listen to what I have to say. You can't leave me here. I need you more than anything. Bailey, I would be lost without you. When Tom died you were there for me. When Coop died, you were still there for. When we had a tough case or when Jack resurfaced again, you were always there for me. And I want you to know that I am here for you right now. You can't leave me alone, Bailey. I need you too much to live without you. I couldn't cope living without you. You are my lifeline in this crazy world Bailey believe it or not, I love you. I love you more than anything and I just hope you will wake up so I can tell you that in person. Because I will tell you Bailey. I've wasted too much time looking for true love after Tom left me, when all the time it was right in front of me. I have done stupid things in my life, but not telling you how I really feel was so stupid. You are my life; Bailey and you have to get better for me. I need to feel your comforting hand on the small of my back; I need to feel your warmth protecting me. I need to feel your arms around me when I need it. But most of all I need your friendship. I never thought I'd say this, but your friendship means so much to me. You are a part of my life, and I don't want to loose you. I love you Bailey and nothing will ever change that. So will you please be the friend you always were and come back to me. I know you can fight this and you don't feel like it, I'm asking you to do it for me."   
  
I was crying now. Tears were running down my cheeks and it was as if I would flood the room. I couldn't stop crying anymore and when Grace came in she laid her hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear:   
  
"He loves you too, Sam and he will fight this so he can be with you again."   
  
She steered me out of the room and got me in my bed again. As soon as I touched my pillow I felt myself slipping into slumber. I was tired, exhausted and still in shock, but despite all that I needed sleep. And sleep I got. I dreamed about Bailey and that he would be okay. And from the deep end of my mind a song came to my mind:   
  
  
How do I   
Get through a night without you   
If I had to live without you   
What kind of life would that be   
And I   
I need you in my arms need you to hold   
You're my world, my heart, my soul   
If you ever leave   
Baby you would take away everything good in my life   
And tell me now   
  
How do I live without you   
I want to know   
How do I breathe without you   
If you ever go   
How do I ever, ever survive   
How do I live   
  
Without you   
There'd be no sun in my sky   
There would be no love in my life   
There'd be no one there for me   
And I   
Baby I don't know what I would do   
I'd be lost if I lost you   
If you ever leave   
Baby you would take away everything real in my life   
And tell me now   
  
How do I live without you   
I want to know   
How do I breathe without you   
If you ever go   
How do I ever, ever survive   
How do I live   
  
Please tell me baby   
How do I go on   
If you ever leave   
Baby you would take away everything   
Need you with me   
Baby don't you know that you're everything   
Good in my life   
And tell me now   
  
How do I live without you   
I want to know   
How do I breathe without you   
If you ever go   
How do I ever, ever survive   
How do I live   
How do I live without you   
How do I live without you baby   
  
I woke up early the next morning from a gentle touch on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw a nurse staring at me. I jumped straight in my bad, fearing the worst. Then the nurse smiled at me and I heard the magic words. It was like music in my ears:   
  
"Your friend is asking for you."   
  
I jumped out of bed, running to where Bailey was. I heard the nurse scream at me that I belonged in a wheelchair, but I didn't care at that moment. All I wanted was to look into Bailey's eyes. I sat down next to him and took his hand. He turned his head to me and cautiously opened his eyes. He blinked a few times and then a smile crossed his face:   
  
"Sam..."   
"Hold your breath, Bailey. Don't try to speak. You need to get as much rest as you can now."   
"How?"   
"We'll talk about it later. Rest now; we have all the time in the world to talk later."   
"Thank you."   
  
And we would talk later, because I was sure that Bailey would want to know everything that happened and how I got him out of there. He would be shocked to hear how I had risked my life to escape Jack and play his game, but that were worries for later. I couldn't believe it myself how many guts I had showed. And it was all because of Bailey. I survived my fears to get my best friend out of there. I put my head on his chest and I felt his hand on my hair:   
  
"I love you too, Sam."  
  
I looked up at him and the most beautiful smile crossed my face. As his eyes slipped shut, he smiled. He went into much deserved sleep and I couldn't help but grin for the rest of the day. Bailey was in and out of sleep, but when he saw me, he always knew how to make me feel good and offer me the only present I wanted. The smile and the love in his eyes.   
  
  
THE END. 


End file.
